I came to the realization a couple of days ago that I will soon be 30. I get so extremely melancholy over it. I apologize reader– if anyone even reads this, I’m not a sad person.

These past couple of years have been full of blessings. But on the other end of that, there have been so many things that cause me to pause and get in a mood. These past couple of months, something has been hanging over my head.

I just finished a 7 year relationship and the emotional baggage that goes with that.  Well, I finished it last year and I’m finally getting over it.

I’m lonely.  I know it. And no matter how many people I’m surrounded by, it doesn’t seem to help.  I’m ready to be held and loved. I’m ready for the stuff that comes along with it. I’m just ready!

Money is a big issue for me right now. I’m significantly negative on my bank account. Credit cards are out of the equation because I don’t want to use them anymore.  And here I am getting, getting ready for a work breakfast meeting and I don’t know how I will pay for it.  I’ll probably drink water.

I’m in this mess because I didn’t ask  I did everything I thought I was suppose to do and be an independent person and not be a burden on my parents. Now I’m in debt and suffering in silence.  If I tell my parents that I’m in trouble, I would need to steel myself from the disappointed looks and the fact that they can’t help me.

I feel so fucking alone.   compounded with the fact that I will be 30.   I’m getting too old for this shit.

I feel like a fuck up. Everything I’ve ever set my mind to I’ve failed in some way…  I’m tired of failure.  I want success.

And i’m thankful that I’m alive. I’m thankful I have a job. I’m thankful for so many things..   I just, want what’s MINE. whatever that means.

I don’t even know anymore..

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