I’m standing here on the subway platform waiting for my train. Not gonna lie– I’m already slightly annoyed because I wrote this post already and it didn’t save.

Fate has a way of saying “NOPE!!!! Try again, loser! This time: less emo and more to the point.”

..shut up, Fate. You have a blasted point.

Anyway, the point of this post: my musings as I wait for the train. Of course, the brain is amazing and these thoughts and realizations all occur in a split second. I mused:

“What am I going to do to improve myself and the world around me.”

I try to do this every day. I try to live by that phrase. I try to improve the world around me in many ways. Dammit, I fucking try.
It’s a question that I’ve been struggling with these past couple of weeks. I say to myself that I at least need to try and help someone I don’t know. Whether it’s holding a door open even when I’m in a hurry, swiping my MetroCard for someone who needs it— even though I’m really strapped for cash, or something as small as smiling at someone who’s operating a cash register (it’s a shitty job).

Anyway, does that sound pretentious? I don’t know.  All I want to do is help. That’s all. Why do we need to be so cynical about wanting to the world to be happy? Why have I for some reason, made it my responsibility to help the world around me? The world is vast, Dianna! The World is GREAT! We are specks when it comes to the vastness of the universe. Is it arrogant of me to want to improve the world around me in some way? … I don’t know the answer to that. I honestly don’t know.

(This is the shit that goes through my mind all the time, people. It’s maddening. )

Which brings me back to the phrase:

“What am I going to do to improve myself .”

Those last two words echoed in my head as I waited for the train.

..improve myself. Improve myself.

I’m not gonna lie: I do not take care of myself. I’m so busy worrying about the world/people around me that my wants and needs are last on the list.

I’m making a pact with myself:

.. cause dammit, I am.

I need to learn it’s OK to be selfish. It’s OK to say “no” and it’s OK for me to focus on the my wants and my needs. I will not be made to feel guilty and I will not suffer people who seem to make it their business to bring those around them.

I’m seriously getting too old for this shit.