Screaming Into The Void

Forgive the stream of concious.

It’s 3am and I’ve been jolted awake. I dreamt I was kidnapped and put in a cage.

It’s now 6am and I can’t go back to sleep. I’m upset, stressed, heartbroken, and disappointed in what is happening in the United States.

Part of me is happy that I’ve left and part of me is ashamed that I’ve left people behind. It’s an odd feeling, the slight form of elation that I don’t have to deal with *hand gestures* that over there. The guilt of saying to myself “thank god I’ve left”, only to feel terrible because some people I know still don’t have health insurance.

White supremacists are in power. It’s a fact. Theyve been voted in and everything we said would happen is happening. And I feel like I’m screaming into a void trying to convince people to care about other people.

I may lose you with my next sentence and for that, I’m sorry.

People of color have been screaming into a void these past couple of years and I’m TIRED. I’m so fucking tired. I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I said it– in between tears, when the numbers came in. I said “white people did this. They voted him in because they have nothing to worry about. They just signed marginalized people away”. And my white male friend said I was “being dramatic”.

I’m sorry for being dramatic.

I’m sorry for caring about Black and Brown lives.

I’m sorry for SCREAMING it every day on my feeds.

I’m sorry that I’m here in Sweden and you’re in the US.

I’m sorry for being pushy about wanting you to move close to me.

I’m sorry for feeling blessed to have the opportunity to do what I do and go where I can go.

I’m sorry for crying about detained children.

I’m sorry for getting frustrated at the immigration debate because I know we’re not talking about white countries we’re only talking about Black and Brown countries.

I’m sorry that when I say white people I immediately have to say “not all white people”.

I’m sorry for adding guilt to my dear white brothers and sisters. I don’t mean to cause pain.

I’m sorry. I’m tired. I just want to sleep but I can’t seem to.

I’m also angry that I have to apologise. I’m angry that people don’t vote. I’m angry that people aren’t stepping up because it doesn’t affect them. I’m angry at the passiveness that I’m witnessing. I don’t understand how you’re not screaming from the rafters that any of this is OK. I just don’t understand.

It’s almost 7 and I have to get ready.

All I want to do is sleep.

I’m tired.

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